Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
