I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
