when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
