His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
