It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I believe in your delicious
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
we're so committed to being not committed
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
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