His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
