some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
