Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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