Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
