he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
