Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
