Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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