You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
