youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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