Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
