I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
