I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
