remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
