I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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