Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
If I die, sorry about rent.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Randomize
