bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
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