We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
