Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
