Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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