I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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