I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
