thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
