I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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