After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
