I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
