sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
