Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
