I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
