i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Randomize
