She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
You did what with his pubic hair?
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
