i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Randomize
