Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize