god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Randomize
