I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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