He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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