My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
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