well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
