yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Randomize
