dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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