My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
I am full of burrito and curiosity
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
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