Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
