Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
