I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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