Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Randomize
