Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
Randomize
