dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
