there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Randomize
