I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
