Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
Randomize
