Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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