he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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