why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
