even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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