My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
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