i always forget guys have bellybuttons
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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