You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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