dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
