I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
