You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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