Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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